Oh My Dad!!!!!

Time passes and my ability to deal with problems change, i won't say much, but slightly better, and communication with my dad improve. Although my grandma dementia is not getting any better but it has already become a routine so more or less use to it, unless when i woke up at the wrong side of my bed.

Recently, i felt that my dad is not giving me the amount of understanding that i gave to him... practically, he is not sensible...!!! I bought a iPad recently but i felt that he needed it so i promised to give it to him once I've bought a iPad 2. My iPad 2 came 1 month ago so i passed to him the iPad. I bought casing, Batteries for him, and he is happy. I've been thinking... I've done what I can do already but why is MY own situation not getting any better.

One of the incident took place like this. I've booked tickets for movie on a wednesday with my friends, i told him beforehand on Monday and even repeatly remind him on Tuesday that I'm going for movie on Wednesday and he promised to come home early, but when the day arrives, he came home late at night. Which makes me think that he did it on purpose and there goes the $30. I never even bother to ask him for it.

Second thing is, whenever he wakes up early in the morning and find that he is late for work, he will keep nagging nagging nagging to my grandma about me. Like i didn't do the housework, me getting lazier and lazier, and also keeps on going out at night... and everytime he did that I'm inside my room listening while pretending to sleep... thats what he didnt know.
It's so unfair..!!!

I don't deserve this... everytime he wants to go out with his GF, i would be considerate enough to even volunteer to stay at home. he didnt even spare a thought for me.... he broke his promises to me too many times...
I went out at night just to take a break from all the stress and going out at night is the only time that i'll feel safe to really go out and take a breather cuz he's home taking care of my grandma. FYI i dun leave home when there's noone at home to look after my granny..

I CLEARLY DUN DESERVE ALL THESE SHIT!!!!!!!

Why...?

I really felt like my whole world is collapsing... And i don't really know how long can i hold on...

My grandmother is bugging me and telling me that she is having constipation for more than one month... And we all knows that ot is not really constipation... It is her memory that is making her thinks that way... I've brought her to countless clinic ample times... All the doctors all said that she have no problem... And every night i can't really sleep well because of these things keep happening... Why must she suffer from dementia...?

I am really caught in between my own emotions... I can't blame her yet i blame her for everything... And yet you know it's not right to blame her cause this is not what she wants...

I cried in silence sometimes in the dark when everyone is asleep... I felt that i'm really alone in this world now... Noone to confine my problems to, and noone to understand me... I felt so ashamed telling people that i'm a home-stayer... I felt so sad when people like to think otherwise of me instead of trying to understand me but i couldn't blame them... Cuz if it was the me last time, i would also do the same... I felt so thick-skinned having to explain everything before others get the wrong idea of me... I felt sad for all these...

She can't really walk already plus she's having dementia... Leaving her alone at home is really out of the equation... My dad's monthly income is really insufficient for us to hire a maid... And also seeing her like this, i wouldn't feel safe to leave her at home with a maid too...

My future, my dreams are all at a stand-still point and i'm sad cause whenever i see others that is around my age that is doing what they like to do, I'll get jealous... Asking myself, why they can be so happy yet I can't... Why is it that life is so unfair to me...
But another thought will interfere... My granny too sacrifice everything for this family, and yet she didn't even complaint... She spent half her life taking care of me without complaining a single word and now she is in this kinda state, I am complaining... Even when I'm complaining and getting angry over her, she still didn't said a word...

From then onwards, I knew I was wrong... I felt so sad for her and so angry for myself... I am starting to hate myself for not being able to adapt, accept and control the situation... I still get flare up now, I still scream at her now, I still look her with the eyes like I'm hating her...

I control but fail but i know i've change... I can tolerate more... I will try my very best to change and to tolerate... Most importantly, to accept and adapt... I'm still not even a quarter of the road but i believe that I can...

Smile and everything will be alright is what i keep reminding myself...

Wish that everyone don't have to pass this stage of life... Going to bed soon... Cya

No Title

Its Been ages since my last update...
I'm still jobless... and staying home hoping to cope well with all my emotions... Someone is going to work soon, and I'm afraid that the Someone will just leave everything behind and walk away... If that happen, I will really be left with nothing...

Things are getting worse and I'm not feeling good with all the hurt that I've done... I seems to lose control of my life... My life seems to be under the control of everything... My grandmother, That Someone.... If both of them are gone, I wouldn't know what to do with my life anymore... I treasure people and things in my life but why do things always turn ugly the more i treasure them..? Should I really let go...? What if some nasty things happen right after I let go..? It'll be a living nightmare.!!! I don't wanna take chance for it to happen...

Would someone guide me to the right path please...? I think I'm really lost this time...

无尽的无奈

当甜蜜变淡了，话变少了，
期待已经不在的期待，那希望还能说是希望吗？

Nothing Beats Strolling In The Night

I was feeling a bit down and I decided to talk a stroll around my neighborhood area...

It was midnight... And it somehow feels great... While walking, with the wind blowing on your face, it feels like the wind is telling you to let go of everything and enjoy the walk and the wind...

Everything seems so wonderful to the extent I've forgotten bout my phone... The vibrations from the phone shatter the whole atmosphere. It brings me back to reality... To problems, to sadness, and to a lot of unhappiness... I decided to went home after recieving the message...

Reality kills the dreamer like Video killing the radio-star...
For me, I think of myself as a dreamer... Reality is my ultimate nemesis... Imagination is my closest friend... Facts are my enemies...
I am ordinary but i hate it... I wanna be extraordinary, be special, be Someone... But Reality is tying me down... 'It' tie my wings with metal chains, hold on to my legs and open up my eyes to 'Sufferings'... Forcing me to see facts... Cruel facts... And leaving me alone...

Well... At least, next time, when all these feelings come together overwhelming me, I know that 'Midnight Stroll' is a way to counter them... Or, at least, there's something during the stroll that's not even close to reality, which is WIND... You can't see it but you feel it... You don't see it but it's there...

At least, I can rely on that factor to bring me off this reality and life my feet up as high as I want them to be...

A reminder to myself

I know that I can't control my temper as well as others, but I'm really trying very hard to control it. Because i've seen the kinda sadness and disappointment that I've brought to the closest ones around me...

Every morning, I wake up telling myself that I must not flare up at anyone today, but when things happen, I seems to lose it all up to my temper... I am struggling too... I felt terrible too... Especially when the one that I've hurt the most is the one that took are of me, devoted all her life taking care and bringing me up, my grandmother,,,

Some things changes, her memories are losing... I knew that but I don't even know why I just cannot treat her good... I wanted to, and i really wanted to, I didn't meant to hurt her... I just couldn't help it when she forget things in such speed like few seconds... I know I've to understand...

Here, I just wanna stop saying sorry and to let everyone know that I'm really trying... And forgive me for the mistakes i made and understand me if ever, things repeat itself again... And also help to remind me that what I did was wrong... I'll also keep on reminding myself...

Time is running out for her... I just wanna be with her and give her the most beautiful memories...

Not sure about tomorrow..!

I'm afraid that i will die... Not exactly die as in physically but mentally...

Have you ever thought of what will actually happen if you have a tumor in your head, and after the major operation, you will never remember who you really are... And will never...

It's like somebody took over your identity totally and you have been mistaken as you but it's not really you that others are actually looking at... Some people never remember who they were after major neuro-related surgery... And they live life in a totally opposite of their original life... Whatever they used to love, they hate it now... Sense of fashion change, love for food changed, even the lifestyle changes...

So where do the YOU before really go...?

Scary right..? It's like you are fine but you are not because you are not you anymore... Forget it... I'm not gonna think about it anymore... Just gonna f*** care and live life...
My life isn't that beautiful also, no job, no education, no certificate, no passion for anything, no dream, no aim... So you would imagine why i could came up with crazy thoughts like the one I've just mentioned... LoL...

For those that were reading, treasure your life, treasure those that are around you, and will always be, and enjoy your life to the fullest, don't dwell on yesterdays but look forward for tomorrow and lift up your feet as they are beautiful, because they brought yr body to places and people that forces your eyes to capture the images and allow your brains to categorize it as 'memories'... All these will stay with you forever... The bad memory are called 'lessons' while the good are called 'precious'...