I really felt like my whole world is collapsing... And i don't really know how long can i hold on...
My grandmother is bugging me and telling me that she is having constipation for more than one month... And we all knows that ot is not really constipation... It is her memory that is making her thinks that way... I've brought her to countless clinic ample times... All the doctors all said that she have no problem... And every night i can't really sleep well because of these things keep happening... Why must she suffer from dementia...?
I am really caught in between my own emotions... I can't blame her yet i blame her for everything... And yet you know it's not right to blame her cause this is not what she wants...
I cried in silence sometimes in the dark when everyone is asleep... I felt that i'm really alone in this world now... Noone to confine my problems to, and noone to understand me... I felt so ashamed telling people that i'm a home-stayer... I felt so sad when people like to think otherwise of me instead of trying to understand me but i couldn't blame them... Cuz if it was the me last time, i would also do the same... I felt so thick-skinned having to explain everything before others get the wrong idea of me... I felt sad for all these...
She can't really walk already plus she's having dementia... Leaving her alone at home is really out of the equation... My dad's monthly income is really insufficient for us to hire a maid... And also seeing her like this, i wouldn't feel safe to leave her at home with a maid too...
My future, my dreams are all at a stand-still point and i'm sad cause whenever i see others that is around my age that is doing what they like to do, I'll get jealous... Asking myself, why they can be so happy yet I can't... Why is it that life is so unfair to me...
But another thought will interfere... My granny too sacrifice everything for this family, and yet she didn't even complaint... She spent half her life taking care of me without complaining a single word and now she is in this kinda state, I am complaining... Even when I'm complaining and getting angry over her, she still didn't said a word...
From then onwards, I knew I was wrong... I felt so sad for her and so angry for myself... I am starting to hate myself for not being able to adapt, accept and control the situation... I still get flare up now, I still scream at her now, I still look her with the eyes like I'm hating her...
I control but fail but i know i've change... I can tolerate more... I will try my very best to change and to tolerate... Most importantly, to accept and adapt... I'm still not even a quarter of the road but i believe that I can...
Smile and everything will be alright is what i keep reminding myself...
Wish that everyone don't have to pass this stage of life... Going to bed soon... Cya
